I’m turning 50. No-one is as shocked as I am. I’m the time between Italia 90 and now away from 85. But I’m not alone – Angela Jolie is the same age as me – to the day.

There is comfort in sharing a birthday with the most beautiful woman in the world, but I often lie awake at night, wondering why I’m not young anymore. As a member of Generation X, we had it all – endless fun without phones and culture wars, cheap pints, cheap rents and a bright future.

Whenever I hear someone in their late 30s and early 40s say they’re ‘old’, I throw my head back and laugh. That’s not old. Candid photos aren’t the stuff of horror, you can have babies and don’t need reading glasses. Until recently, I was young-ish. Now I’m seen in public twice a year for an event- possibly a 50th. My social activities take place exclusively by day.
Physically, once you go past 47, you fall off a cliff. There’s no disguising it; the hanging face, the upside down smile, the turkey neck-particularly visible in shop windows and phone screens. I keep thinking, this too shall pass, but then I remember- it will only get worse. All my friends are old now, as are Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt, the 90s supermodels, Britney Spears- everyone.

The list of things requiring my attention is endless- my eyes, neck, hair, teeth, body. I’ve reached the epoche of HRT, injectables, mammograms, osteoporosis checks, anti-aging ‘tweakents’. It’s dizzying- and expensive.

In a bid to help myself and others of my vintage, I decided to do an MOT of sorts- my big fat 50 MOT.

First I went online to www.breastcheck.ie to register for a mammogram. Anyone between 50 and 69 is eligible. My invite won’t be issued until my birthday, but it’s good to get ahead of the game.

Juliette O’Connell, outreach co-ordinator at Breast Cancer Ireland says; “Make sure your address details are right so you get the paperwork.” She said waiting times are up to and over 1 year due to a massive Covid 19 backlog, when screening was unfortunately cancelled.

Ms O’Connell, who was diagnosed with breast cancer aged 41 says it’s important to self examine. "There’s an app you can download called Breast Aware. It has a video showing you how to check yourself every month. Start early, that way you recognise what your normal is. I had a rash, so I didn’t recognise what it was straight away, so familiarise yourself with the symptoms. It’s not always a bump.”

I also went to my doctor and got my bloods done. Blood tests should ideally be done every year. You can find out if you have an infection, how your liver and kidneys are working and screen for genetic conditions. My doctor also said, I didn’t need a cervical smear till next year and I'm down to get checked for osteoporosis.

I spoke to nutritionist Orla Walsh about exercise and alcohol. Proudly I’m the same weight I was when I was 16 - between 8 and 10, despite being a known chocoholic. My ‘secret’ is not eating dinner and swimming daily and walking a lot-15,000 steps a day on average this year. I’ll never use the car, public transport or cabs unless I have to.

This isn’t enough though, I was informed. I need to do strength training too. “The trick is consistency. Do it five days a week- even just ten minutes at home on a yoga mat. Lifting weights or a short workout first thing in the morning is the best form of exercise- plus you get it out of the way.” I'm still inconsistent here and have pledged to swap 10 minutes of doomscrolling for weight training.

We also discussed alcohol. Cancer, strokes, inability to sleep, there are so many reasons to limit drinking. “Wine, especially, affects women differently, worsening menopause symptoms.’ This is true- hence I never drink at night - and generally drink below the allotted 14 units per week. I had so much fun going out in the 90s and 00s, so I'm not missing anything.

I’m not mad on supplements, but I take Vitamin D, C and calcium as needed. There’s no point in just randomly taking a load of stuff or self diagnosing. Ms Walsh also said it’s important to include milk- none of this trendy oat milk nonsense. This is good news, as I’m a fan.

Beauty editor and co-founder of the Future Beauty Show, Liz Dwyer, advises women of 45 onwards to ‘get on the HRT’. “It’s great for bone strength and can help with symptoms including hot flashes, mood swings and prevent weakening of the bones.” Bone degradation on the skull is rapid post menopause, so keep your skeleton as strong as possible.

She advises women to go to a female health expert to discuss symptoms which can include anything from anxiety to joint pain and brain fog- fun times. “But menopause is big business. There is big money to be made so it’s important not just to buy into the craze.”

Amid a sea of cowboys and online influencers trying to make a quick buck praying on our vanity, it’s important not to buy into every fad.

Speaking of vanity- I’ve been obsessed with my neck lately. I’m prone to a little hyperbole, so it's not really bad- but it is for me. A trip to cosmetic surgeon Cormac Joyce in Monkstown, Co Dublin revealed I’m not alone. “Around 65 percent of patients my age come for the neck.” Saggy eyelids are another ‘popular’ reason for visiting his Monketown clinic.

He praised my skin and said I didn’t need anything done, but he described how he could remove the saggy skin detail. It seems easy enough- the surgery would take around an hour and a half, involve local anesthetic and around a week of downtime.

I'm not afraid of getting a facelift- which is essentially what’s required here- but I can't afford one right now.
“No device will tighten the skin. Only cosmetic surgery will do that. Most people waste money trying not to come here on treatments that don’t work.”

He listed them off- “Ultherapie and Profilo are a waste of money, don’t overdo it with heat therapy (radiofrequency) and don’t go near fillers. I know this from people coming into the clinic.”

Red flags also include thread lifts, which damage the scar tissue and treatments that promise to work in three months. "What happens then? You’ll have forgotten about it.” Dr Joyce shared some horror stories of clients from Turkey. “You roll the dice. But if you want to get anything done in Ireland, go to someone with a well established clinic. Don’t go outside the list of plasticsurgery.ie or the Irish Association of Plastic Surgeons.’

I was interested to know what works-“Botox, C02 resurfacing is good- and facials, as long as you don’t do too many of them.”

I don’t have a great skin care regimen, because I’m a mother and I have five million things to do, but I love handing myself over to an expert for an hour. I got the Meso Vytal facial at Bespoke Beauty in Donnybrook, Dublin. Owner Elaine Butler Doolin even tucked me under a blanket.

“Mum’s are so busy, it’s so nice to relax and get a facial as a treat. This treatment is suited to anyone who hasn’t had a facial treatment in a while or who wants super duper fast results." The glycolic peel, collagen facial and hyaluronic sheet mask was incredible. It was so soft. “The skin is the biggest organ in the body, yet people often forget to look after it. It’s great just to do the basics- hydrate it and put on sun factor. Drink lots of water.” We hear this all the time, but people still forget- especially when it’s cold out.

My eyes are another point of big concern, so I got Polynucleotides- an injectable bio stimulator, which isolated DNA fragments from salmon sperm, to encourage your skin to repair itself, making for plumper skin. I always wonder who comes up with these ideas - and how. Dr Raymond Seedhoo injected me at Therapie clinic in Molesworth street. 'It takes round 15 minutes and is a little sore, but fine. "The great thing is, they (the salmon DNA) are biocompatible with your skin, which means your body doesn't see them as a threat and they blend seamlessly."

With that out of the way, my focus is on teeth. I grind my teeth- which is the worst habit, because I can’t control it, so I spoke to Dr Bronagh Keane in Dublin 4 who offered some ideas. “Having a night guard is really important to stop further grinding, but it won’t make you stop. An injection, which prevents the jaw muscle from contracting as strongly as it did before- botox for your jaw could be an option.”

I get my teeth checked and cleaned regularly, which is so important. Research from the Oral Health Foundation, which examined data from 65,000 postmenopausal women, found those with a history of gum disease were 14 percent more likely to develop cancer. Those with healthy gums are 70 percent less likely to develop Alzheimers.

Not wanting to overwhelm anyone with a lengthy to do list, but- a last tip from Dr Ninnette de Klerk at the Ailesbury Clinic in Dublin, who warns women to keep track of their skin. “People who have spent a lot of time in the sun should always keep an eye on their skin and go to the doctor if there’s anything unusual, so check any moles or irregularities." Sound advice. Don’t wait.

There are endless resources out there about women’s health, it's great but overwhelming. Just do a few basics and then get on with life.

I've pledged not to get stressed, overthink the future of the world, AI, financial woes, my career, people's opinions. It’s a difficult balance, but I stay sane, by doing what I say I will do- this includes trying new sports like rock climbing, ski mountaineering, tennis, skydiving and lots of fun stuff with my daughter. It's quite impulsive - at the expense of going out, buying coffees, a house, financial security, but you only live once.

I'm 'retiring' in the equivalent of 2010 from now, which feels insane. But then I see people like Trinny Woodall starting her beauty empire in her 50s, Grandma Moses, who became an artist at 78 or Deirdre Wolownick who climbed El Capitan - a 3000ft wall in Yosemite National Park- at 70.

50 means I'm not young- but it's certainly not old either. My generation were the first to take a little longer to grow up, so we're just getting started-ish.

My big fat turning 50 health and beauty MOT

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